Thursday, April 24, 2014

April 17, 2014

Hey Mom/Dad-

So, a lot has been going on lately.  I had a talk with president and he told me that I'm being transferred and I'm going to be put with someone who is struggling with obedience.  And he wants me to help this Elder out to be obedient.  He asked me if I could be able to step up and set the example of obedience and honestly, I'm pretty scared.  I really don't know if I'm ready to do that because I know how I am and I know how quick I am to mess up and go back.  All my life it seems like every time something came up to do the wrong thing, even though I know it's wrong, I'm totally down.  And yes, it's extremely stupid, but true.  Even though I know what's right, I seem to deliberately choose the wrong.  Even on my mission, I've done things that I didn't even do at home and I'm so ashamed and angry at myself for doing.  But one thing I'm learning on my mission is the power to change.  Not only investigators, but especially myself.  The Atonement is real and it works.  But, I'm afraid that given the opportunity to be disobedient , I might take it because even with the Zone leaders, i wasn't the best I should have been.  I want to be better and I want to be obedient.  I don't know if I'm ready to help someone else be obedient when I'm still struggling with it.  I don't know.  I'm so confused.  I really don't want to go back to the way I was and I'm so afraid that given the chance, especially with someone else who struggles with obedience, I feel I might go right back into that mess.  President seems to trust me and he's inspired, so I guess the Lord trusts me too.  I just don't trust myself.  No, I haven't been the best missionary I can be.  I want to be but I'm not there yet, so I'll be doing a lot of fasting and praying.  I need help...bad!

Thank you so much for your last letters from FHE.  They made me so happy and once again came at the perfect time.  I love it.  It's been a pretty good week, though.  I've been in a really good mood.  Still a little rough with Elder Gonzalez, only a few more days though.  Transfers are on the 22nd.  So don't send anything here.  It's been nice to look over the transfer and see how far I've come.  It went by fast.  It's crazy.  Pretty soon, I'll hit a year and Derrek will be coming home.  Crazy!  It all goes by so quickly.  It's nuts.  This transfer has been really good for me though.  Tons of praying and fasting and my testimony has grown so much.  I'm so much of a better missionary than I was before all this.  They always say the most important conversion is your own and I really see that.  I've really grown to love this gospel and I appreciate it so much more in my life now more than ever.  Especially going into so many homes that don't have it and teaching and bearing witness of it has grown my testimony so much.  I love my mission mostly right now for the change I see in myself and how much better I am because of it.  As soon as I get myself all figured out, then I'm gonna help everyone!  It really helped me to remember that I chose to be out here.  I knew there would be things for me to give up and things for me to start doing.  Because of that choice to come out.  Some of my other choices may be limited, same with bad choices...go to jail.  Choices are limited because of one choice.  But, I chose to be here.  Might as well live up to that and be here for the right reasons.  Thanks for all you do for me.  I love you with all my heart.  You are the best parents anyone could ask for.  Miss you tons!

Elder Bowler

PS - you should know how much our mission quotes "Nacho Libre".  It's crazy!  Reminds me of home.

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